


Until We Bleed

by thranduils1



Category: Until We Bleed
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Arguing, F/M, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-11 21:59:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16861030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thranduils1/pseuds/thranduils1
Summary: An angsty one shot inspired by Until We Bleed by Lykke Li. The reader left Castiel and Dean when Sam fell to Lucifer, hurting Castiel. Reader has found the way back to Camp Chitaqua and tries to apologize.





	Until We Bleed

**Author's Note:**

> Moving my fics from Tumblr. Originally posted 2/3/17.

“Y/N, I found that…” Castiel had started to tell you excitedly coming into the room. His eyes had fallen immediately to the packed backpack next to your feet. His brows furrowed in confusion. “What’s going on?”

You swallowed sharply and held tight to the courage you knew you had to have to say this. “I’m leaving.”

His face immediately fell, looking like he had gotten punched in the gut. “What?” Castiel got out. “Where? Does Dean know?”

“Yes, he knows. If he was grouchy towards you if you happened to pass him, I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

Stepping closer to you, Castiel looked to be searching for words. He finally demanded, “Why?”

Shrugging, you gave him a helpless look. “I can’t handle this anymore. I need to get away,” you confessed.

“So your big plan is to just leave? While the whole world is falling apart? You want to leave and be on your own?” Castiel shook his head and tried to reason, “Y/N, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It does to me,” you informed him quietly.

Again, he shook his head. “You can’t leave,” he proclaimed.

You bent over and picked up the backpack, swinging it over your shoulder. Walking over towards him, he watched you closely. Staring up into his eyes… you got lost in the blue for a second. God, you loved those eyes. The perfect bridge of his nose… his soft lips… his freshly shaven face.

Reaching up, you placed your lips on his, tasting him once more. Castiel didn’t respond and you felt a tug at your heart. You wanted this last kiss to be something good. Something you could both remember, along with all the nights you had shared tangled up in sheets, whispering sweet nothings to each other afterward.

He wasn’t on the same page. And you scolded yourself for thinking even for a second he would be.

Pulling away you gave him a half smile and said, “I can. And I have to, Cas. I love you. Stay with Dean. Keep each other safe.”

You moved around him, going towards the that Cas had left open. Suddenly it swung shut in front of you slamming. You jumped back, startled. Looking over your shoulder you saw Castiel’s hand up, his face set in determination. He had moved from sad to angry in a span of seconds.

Turning to face him fully, you looked him straight in the eyes. He was making this so much harder than it already was but you needed to stay strong. “Open the door, Cas,” you ordered him, keeping your voice even.

His voice was quiet but there was anger underlying it, “You can’t do this to me, Y/N.”

“You’re not the only one hurting, Cas,” you responded. “I’m asking you to let me deal with this the way I am comfortable with.” You exhaled loudly, and threw your hands out a little. “Can you do that for me?”

The tension in the room was heavy, filling up the space between the two of you. You could almost feel the rift being created between the two of you because of your decision.

Shifting your backpack up further on your shoulder, you gave him an expectant look, wanting to escape this. To not have to see the hurt expression feeling on his face.

Castiel lowered his hand finally, silent.

“Thank you,” you told him in a small voice. You turned on your heel back towards the door.

Castiel sounded from behind you, “You mean everything to me. I just want you to know that. I don’t care if it changes your mind. I just needed to say it one more time.”

Your hand rested on the door handle. There was a fire set inside, you wanting to throw down your backpack and run back into his arms. Embrace him and apologize for even suggesting this.

It was quenched quickly. You swallowed the feeling and opened the door, walking out and closing it quietly behind you.

The apocalypse had happened. Sam hadn’t been able to fight off Lucifer and had been consumed by him. Dean was growing cold and Cas was fading. All the guilt, failure, and anger had been eating away at you. And looking at the two of them was bittersweet. You needed a break. You would risk going out into the infected world to try to just survive alone. The pain with your group… your family… was too much.

<> <> <>

It had been a couple of years. You had found your way back to Camp Chitaqua. Your car had broken down, so you had been going on foot for a mile outside of camp. Luckily, Dean had been out on a run and had been driving back as you were trekking down the street towards the camp.

“I’m don’t want to walk in there and freak him the fuck out,” you told Dean.

Dean had greeted you a bit coldly and you didn’t blame him. He had felt betrayed when you had decided to leave and he obviously had not gotten over it. He was one to always hold a grudge. And he immediately cut into you about Castiel the second you had asked if he was still there.

“It messed him up when you left. He loved you,” Dean stated, staring angrily at the road ahead of him.

Sighing loudly, you looked out your window. “We are all messed up, Dean. I’m sure he adapted alright. You were always good at directing him and taking care of him.”

Dean snorted loudly at this, seeming pissed off at what you said. He shot you a glare before looking back out at the road.

“Do you even care about him?”

“Of course I care! Don’t patronize me.”

“Then why did you leave?”

“I told you why.”

“I wanna hear you say it again.”

“I couldn’t handle being here.”

The gate had come up and Dean stopped outside of it, waiting for the men inside to open the gate up.

His voice started to rise with each word. “That answer was never good enough for me, you know? And it sure as hell wasn’t good enough for Cas. He needed you. He was falling and you took the easy route and left. The whole damn world is falling the fuck apart and you just leave. You should have stayed. You should have stayed with your family.”

You knew some part of this was Dean expressing his rage about you leaving him too. You let him yell.

“Shit, Y/N. You know he never loved anyone before. You knew him from the beginning and the first person he falls in love with and they bail when he needed you most. I don’t completely blame you for all the bullshit that’s happened to him but you had a huge part in how fucked up he is now.”

You furrowed your brow at the hint Castiel was worse off than you thought as Dean put the car back in drive going through the now open gates. He sped out a little bit, his anger getting the better of him.

Swallowing sharply, you apologized, “I am sorry I left you.”

“Where the hell did you even go?” Dean snapped, pulling up by a building.

“Away.”

“Why are you back?”

It stung to hear him ask that.

“I got tired of running,” you told him honestly, forcing yourself to look at him.

“So now you feel you need support.”

You exhaled loudly, rubbing your face. “I am not asking for sympathy or forgiveness. I just… I wanted to come back. It was even worse out there then it would have been here for me. I made a mistake. And you can be as pissed at me as you want. And if you want me to leave –”

Dean cut you off, “I don’t want you to leave.”

“Fine. I’m just…” you trailed off, your eyes trained out the windshield. Dean followed your gaze and sighed, muttering under his breath.

Castiel was coming up the main drag, towards Dean’s car. He looked… rough. At least rougher than you had ever seen him. He hadn’t bothered to shave, his hair shaggy. He was wearing a loose, boho styled shirt and jeans.

You swallowed sharply and Dean told you, “He’s worse than he looks. Not the opposite. Still a good soldier but…” He trailed off.

“But what?” you asked him.

Dean didn’t answer you, instead getting out of the truck.

“Fucker,” you muttered to yourself. You debated about grabbing your bag or leaving it in the truck. You didn’t know if you could trust someone to not go through it and scavenge your things if you left it in the truck. You weren’t sure if it was entirely Dean’s truck.

You could hear Dean outside the truck even if he was 15 feet away. He had gone to intercept Castiel.

“Buddy…”

“Yes?” It was nice to hear his voice again, regardless if it was muffled.

“We got a… situation.”

“What do you mean?”

Deciding just to get out, you opened the door to the truck and climbed out, swinging your backpack – the same one you had left with – over your shoulder and slamming the truck door. You saw Dean tense before he looked over his shoulder. He narrowed his eyes at you, looking disappointed. He obviously want to break it to Castiel first.

Castiel froze seeing you, transfixed.

“That… is the situation,” Dean sighed, defeated, looking back at Castiel.

He still said nothing, just staring at you, seeming floored.

“You wanna go somewhere private?” you asked him.

This seemed to shake him from his trance and he shot a look at Dean before nodding jerkily. “Yes, fine,” he replied.

<> <> <>

Your eyes fell on everything in his room. It had become more furnished, an indie vibe. Your eyes didn’t miss all the half empty bottles by his bed. And the drugs on his table.

Castiel walked in ahead of you, heading towards the bed. He leaned over and snatched up one of the bottles from the bed and took a long swig. He turned back to face you standing in the middle of the room, the bottle still in his hand.

“What do you want?” he asked you, his voice cold. It was the first thing he had said to you since the two of you had started walking back to his place.

That felt like a slap to the face. But you suspected you didn’t deserve more. Brushing off the hurt, you shrugged and said, “To talk.”

He scoffed and let out a little laugh, taking another swig. “That’s rich,” he muttered. You gave him an annoyed look and he rose his brows, “What makes you want to talk after the last couple of years? I’ll entertain you. You can put your bag down you know. I’m still hospitable if you needed to be reminded of that considering we haven’t spoken in years.”

Again, you cringed at his words. “I deserve that,” you admitted to him. He rose his eyebrows in acknowledgement. You looked to your left and saw a chair and moved to place the backpack on the chair.

Castiel’s eyes were on it and you knew he recognized it. And again, he took another swig from the bottle, averting his eyes from it. He sat down on the end of the bed, looking at you.

“Are you usually drinking this much?” you inquired.

“Do you really care?”

“Yes.”

Castiel threw his arms out a little, the liquid sloshing in the bottle in his hand. “I am generally drinking, yes. And smoking. Taking pills. Uppers, downers. I have a pharmacy of self medication. I don’t think I’ve been sober for a long time. Does that answer your question?”

You shifted uncomfortably, “Why?”

Castiel let out a scornful laugh. “Isn’t it obvious? I don’t like feeling.”

“Neither do I but I’m not doping myself up.”

Something flashed across Castiel’s eyes and he pointed at you angrily. “Don’t tell me how to handle this. Unlike you, I had to deal with a bunch of new shit. My brothers and sisters leaving, the world going to shit, failing. Losing my grace. Fuck, I’m basically human now. But I feel your emotions twice as much. You can’t fucking preach to me about poor ways to deal with your problems, Y/N! You run from yours the same as me! Just in a different way.”

“I’m worried about you – “ you tried to say.

Castiel let out a disgusted noise and took another swig before putting the bottle down. “Oh, please,” he muttered scornfully.

“I’m trying here! This is hard for me too!”

“You should have tried before!” Castiel yelled, losing his temper finally, startling you. “How dare you come back and expect me to accept this apology from you!” He rubbed his mouth furiously before snapping, “I needed you and you weren’t there! I loved you! Shit, I still love you! You told me you loved me! And then you just bolted when everything was falling apart. You couldn’t handle me anymore? Was that it? Were you pissed off I hadn’t done more to stop this from happening? Did I do something wrong?”

You were trying to hold back tears at this point. You knew this reunion was going to be hard but this was tearing you apart, seeing him so angry and depressed.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” you told him, trying to sound soothing.

Castiel snarled at you, “You sure the fuck made me feel like I did.”

“That wasn’t my intention. I told you why I left. Because I wasn’t able to handle it. I was being weak. And I didn’t like feeling like that!” You were starting to get defensive because of the way this conversation was starting to go. Him so angry, inebriated, and swearing. This wasn’t your Cas.

Castiel stood up from the bed and stormed a couple paces away, rubbing his mouth angrily. He rounded on you again, “It was selfish. You were selfish. I didn’t want to ever admit that to myself. I wanted to entirely blame myself because that was easier than admitting that you were abandoning me for your own needs. It was easier to tell myself that I had done something wrong so I could keep this perfect image of you in my head. I don’t think you understand how hard I fell for you and how much I depended on you.”

“I loved and depended on you too, Cas. I –”

“AGAIN, you should have relied on me then! And been there for me! You don’t know how many days I waited for you to come back. I thought it was a bad dream! And you would change your mind! Realize how much I meant to you and come back to me! You never did! Do you know how fucking deep that cut me, Y/N?” He stopped, choking off a little bit. Your chest tightened seeing tears brimming his eyes. His voice lowered a bit when he pressed on, trying to keep his emotions at bay. “For a long time I honestly did believe I was a failure and had done something wrong. But the more I stewed on it, the longer I let it fester… it wasn’t just me. You stopped caring enough to be able to leave. For the sake of yourself. When you know damn well you would have been good here. You were being self centered. You were inconsiderate of the repercussions that would happen when you left!”

You tried, “Cas, I know I hurt you –”

“You FUCKED me up and you know it!” Castiel shouted at you, tears running freely down his face.

“I didn’t mean to,” you choked out.

“BULL shit!” Castiel bellowed and you took a step back. “Bull fucking shit, Y/N! Don’t try to tell me you didn’t know what you were going to do to me – to us – when you left!”

You started to cry as well and threw your hands out. “What do you want me to do to say I’m sorry? How can I prove that to you?”

Castiel gave out a dry, bark of a laugh. “You can’t,” he said simply before wiping at his eyes angrily.

Clenching your jaw, letting the tears fall down your face, you tightened your fists into balls by your sides. You felt the all too familiar feeling creeping back up. This had been a bad idea to come back here. You bent over and snatched your bag off the chair.

Watching you with his eyes widening slightly, Castiel demanded, “What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna go.”

“Oh, Christ, Y/N! Don’t be over dramatic! You don’t have to leave,” Castiel told you, both sounding annoyed and slightly worried at the same time.

You looked back at him, wiping your tears on your sleeve. “I’m not leaving the camp, Cas. I’m choosing to leave the room until we both calm down. Considering I’m the one infringing on your space, you can come find me whenever you think that’s appropriate.”

Castiel immediately relented, “Y/N, where are you going to go? You don’t know anyone here anymore except me, Dean, and Chuck.”

“I’ll go find Dean or Chuck. Or I’ll just hang out in the dining hall.” He opened his mouth to protest again and you forced a smile despite the tears brimming. “I swear, Cas. I’m not going to leave again. I’m just gonna go for a walk and cool down a bit.”

Castiel looked hesitant before swallowing sharply and giving you a curt nod.

Without another word, you walked out the door.

Your eyes scanned the gate as you walked down the main drag. You forced yourself to look away. You wouldn’t run again. You weren’t going to leave him again.

He meant the world to you too and you both had suffered long enough because of your choice to leave. You wouldn’t do it again. You just needed some time.


End file.
